by Joe Clapper
VHTRC.org World News Service, © 2006
Somewhere in France
July 12, 2006
This is big. We went to Musse Promenade in the Reserve National Geologique de Haute Provence [Editor's note: This is probably spelled wrong, be we have no clue how to fix it.] to research Furbutt. First our bear Ursus americanus (spec. Furbutus) has a common ancestor with the Panda -- but the two bears are from different branches. So according to French scientists they can only marry in West Virginia.
Most importantly, they do not really hibernate (like ground hogs) but merely sleep and can wake up and catch late night TV. However -- and this is the big news -- they do not defecate for the entire time of winter sleep. No "Quando Poopum in Forsa Ursus." They are unique in that they form a rectal plug until spring. So if my French is correct, and I believe all those giggling French 13 year old boys give credence to this interpretation, come spring "the bear gives off what is commonly known as a bear fart." Now my French failed me here, but I think it is not good to be around a bear at that time.
Now this may be common knowledge among the over-educated French, but this is breaking news in America. Club members have now been warned and informed. Their dues are being well spent.
Your trusty reporter and president.
It was really quiet last night. After the semi-finals, they were shooting off fireworks for hours. Last night you could hear snails crawling around.
We watched the game on French TV. They actually said "ou la la" after a good French play. Most interesting was after the game. I have no idea what the Italians were doing. All French TV showed was crying or despondent French players and coaches. A national tragedy with all the emotions that would evoke.
I was worried how the French would play it in the papers. I was sure there would be some Dershowitz or Rush Limbaugh-type defending head butting as a national right. I was extremely impressed by their treatment. In La Monde, they said Mr. Headbutter, Zidane, committed Hari Kari in an indefensible act, and it was a regrettable end to a fine career. So the paper has already retired his miserable self.
All and all, the French have taken it a lot better than the Italians would have. If the Italians had lost, I can hear them calling for an investigation, rematch, and the resignation of the UN Secretary.
Now on an important subject -- did I mention French women?